


The Most Unexpected Conspiracy of All

by Viridian5



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Crack Fic, Episode Related, Humor, Insanity, M/M, Meta Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-03-15
Updated: 1998-03-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 09:11:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridian5/pseuds/Viridian5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A silly piece that explores what the real story behind The Kiss was.  If you take this seriously, it's your own fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Most Unexpected Conspiracy of All

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for every second season show Krycek appeared in and "The Red and the Black."
> 
> Any resemblance to _Pinky and the Brain_ (a.k.a. the slashiest cartoon on TV; property of Steven Spielberg and Warner Bros.) is purely intentional.
> 
> This is _not_ about the actors.

Alex Krycek sat at Mulder's kitchen table writing in a notepad and mumbling, "...figure in the international time differences, the unusual airing practices of the BBC..." Thump. Thump. THUMP. "Fox, will you quit it! I'm trying to ponder here!" Alex turned his head in time to see Fox, who had turned his head to look at Alex, get struck on the head by the basketball. "Fox, are you okay?"

Fox grinned crookedly. "Sure, Alex. I've gotten hit on the head so many times I don't even feel it anymore."

Fox Mulder wore a very dressed-down version of his work outfit with his tie loose and askew, his shirtsleeves rolled up, and his shirt unbuttoned at the collar and pulled out of still-regulation suit pants. Even as Alex appreciated the view and thought that no one looked sexier disheveled than Fox Mulder, he also had to wonder which came first: Mulder's odd quirks or all the blows to the head. Not that Alex would want him any other way. He liked it that being with Mulder was like riding a roller coaster that could spiral out of control at any moment.

"Come over here," Alex said. Fox came over and grinned when Alex kissed him on the head. "There. All better."

"That's not where I want you to kiss me." Fox's eyes smoldered.

Alex took a deep breath. "I'll take you up on that later. Right now I want to share my plan with you. This one has to work."

"'Kay." Mulder sat at the edge of the table with an expectant look on his face.

"We're going to take advantage of our little show. I'm going to make another appearance on _The X-Files_."

"How is that going to let you take over the world?"

"We're going to make television history. I'm going to kiss you, and it will cause such mass confusion and antagonism that in the chaos I will be able to rise to power."

"A simple liplock is going to do all that?"

"There's not going to be anything simple about it, and it won't be a liplock. First I'll knock you around a bit--"

"I'm sure you'll enjoy that."

"So will you."

Mulder smiled. "True."

"Let's rehearse the kiss now. Are you ready, 'David'? You sit on the floor with your back to the wall." Mulder followed his command. "And I'll be crouched down in front of you. Then I'll swoop in and kiss you on the cheek. You'll close your eyes, pucker your luscious lips, and brush my face with those lips." Krycek followed his own instructions then pulled back and looked at Mulder's face. "Ahm, Fox, when we do this for the cameras you can't look so hot and wanton... Stop looking at me like that..." Krycek couldn't resist that look. He dove into a deep soul kiss with Mulder, pressing him against the wall. With the supreme effort, Krycek pulled away again, breathing hard. "No, no, no, that's exactly what we can't do. Ambiguity is the key to the plan."

"This is why you don't show up on the show more often. Fuck ambiguity! I'm so sick of it! God forbid the show ever features something overt that is what it appears to be or looks like an actual answer!"

Krycek sat down with his back against the wall next to Mulder. "The whole point of the kiss is that it can't be obviously sexual to everyone. Different people must be able to perceive it differently. First we'll confuse the regular viewers. Some of them will see it, know it for what it is, and be stunned. I mean, everyone knows that the networks don't tolerate overt expression of love or lust between two men. The show is on Fox, where everyone else on _Melrose Place_ hopped beds while the gay guy went steady with his hand. These viewers will make the mental jump to realizing that the kiss is as far as we could go on a major network and see what we really are to one another. Other viewers will just be confused by the kiss. Second, we'll affect the slash camps."

"Oh, yeah, we use some of their scenarios."

"Right. Well, this kiss will cause in-fighting like no one's ever seen before. The Scully and Skinner 'shippers will deny that there's anything sexual involved. They'll spin some line about the kiss being some Russian gesture of friendship or good luck."

Mulder snorted. "Maybe I should move to Russia. Anyway, I wish I were getting as much action with Scully as so many people think I do. That hair, that porcelain skin, those ice blue eyes..."

Krycek grabbed Mulder's spectacularly ugly tie and pulled him forward. "Don't make me hurt you, Fox."

The pressure around Mulder's neck seemed to break him out of his fugue. "'Kay."

"Why don't you ever wear any of the ties I buy you?"

"They're beautiful, and they're from you. With what you do with my ties, I could never wear one of yours and have it ruined."

"If you wore a decent tie, I'd never ruin it."

"I like what you do with my ties."

As Krycek felt himself get aroused again, it amazed him that Mulder's voice alone could make him so horny. "How long have we been together, Fox?"

"Three years, four months, three weeks, four days, and thirteen seconds. Fourteen now." Mulder snuggled against him and brought out the silver ring he wore on a long chain around his neck. Krycek had one just like it.

"And I still have to fight the urge to rip your clothes off."

"Likewise. It wouldn't work with Scully anyway. She doesn't know me at all, and she doesn't even know about us." Fox smiled crookedly. "She believes that I was actually grief-stricken over my father's death. I may moonlight as an actor occasionally, but I'm not that good. Did the Consortium ever figure out who sent them the fruit basket?"

Krycek laughed. "Not yet."

"The old bastard is involved since the beginning of time with the people he knows I hate worst and only feels the need to unburden himself just as I'm about to find out for myself. I still wonder if the hug he gave me that night was real or something I hallucinated from the LSD. I started using the name 'David Duchovny' for my actor gigs just because I knew he wouldn't approve. That ended up working out for me too. The whole X-Files show would have been impossible without that for inspiration and possibilities."

"I still don't know how you got the energy to be an actor and a federal agent."

"Insomnia is my friend. Hey, how many federal agents can say they worked with David Lynch and Brad Pitt?"

"And Juliette Lewis."

"The glass is always half-empty for you, isn't it? Killing Dad was one of the two things the Consortium did to hurt me that actually worked to my benefit."

"The other being?"

"You, of course. I don't see the Skinner thing, though. My relationship with him is like what I had with my father only without the incest and physical abuse."

"I think that's the point, only with the sex and physical abuse."

"Uh."

"The people who always saw what we felt for one another will be exultant," Krycek continued.

"I thought we were discreet."

"Discreet? In real life, you're the one who instigated sex on the Space Mountain ride at Disney World--"

"The fulfillment of a childhood dream."

"In every room at Graceland."

"Another childhood dream."

"And an interminable number of other public and semi-public places. Of course some viewers noticed the way we look at one another."

"All right, all right."

"Net surfers from certain other countries will cruise the sites and hear about the kiss but won't be able to see it themselves for a few months. Taken altogether, everyone will be confused, distracted, and titillated. Worse, it will be the last new episode for a long time. No one will know if I'll show up in the next one. I'll take advantage of the chaos and make my move."

"Brilliant, Alex! No, no, wait, this is just like your failed red Speedo plan."

"That should have worked! All those people drooling on their remotes or keyboards. There should have been mass electrocutions."

"Maybe you overestimated my appeal. Maybe you never really planned to use my Speedo to take over the world and just wanted an opportunity to ogle me in front of billions of viewers."

"That was just a fringe benefit."

"Like boffing the Uniblonder. That was part of a plan too? And having her sucker you, that was another part, right? You're such a liar sometimes."

"No, I'm not. I'm constantly telling people that I'm a Russian triple agent working with Fox Mulder to take over the world, but does anyone believe me? Noooo. Besides, I tolerate Leoni."

"You know that's just for appearances. I have a higher profile as Duchovny than you do as Nicolas Lea." Mulder sighed. "Maybe your plan will work."

"We just have to get Carter to agree to it."

"No problem. You didn't see the trouble the actress who plays Scully and I had getting him out of bed with us once he got in for that _Rolling Stone_ photo shoot. Besides, he enjoys playing with the audience's minds."

"It's a shame we have to lie to him, but he only has himself to blame for telling us he couldn't take your life experiences unadulterated."

"If he did my life as it really is, the show would only play late at night on a pay-cable channel. The best we can do is get our filtered report of the conspiracy into the public."

"Fox, when I take over the world, I'll line every one of those bastards against the wall and have them shot while singing their real names as part of that name game song. 'Well-Manicured Man,' indeed."

"Alex, in this country we have things called 'libel laws.'"

"Then I'll declassify every secret. You'll get to know what happened to Samantha, the location of every UFO landing around the world, whatever happened to Joyce DeWitt, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Anything you want."

Mulder grinned then crouched in front of Krycek and started to undo Alex's pants. As usual, Alex wore no underwear.

Krycek grinned. "What are you up to, Fox?"

"I just want to wish you luck. Russian style."

 

### End


End file.
